5 Things France Needs To Fix

The beginning of most relationships starts smooth. You're both in love, finish each others sentences, and ignore their inability to eat without smacking like a llama; you chalk it up to a personal quirk and keep it moving. Then after six months, their smacking annoys the living Hades out of you (the messed up part is that this person is perfect in every other way). You could be mature and ask your significant other to chew a little softer but no, you want to break up. It's over, there's nothing to talk about (even if you haven't talked about it at all). All that's left is to leave a break-up letter on the refrigerator. The point I'm trying to make is that with any good thing there is some bad. If you like smoking, better beware of lung cancer (unless you're French), if you eat cake for every meal, diabetes is right around the corner, and if you decide to crash a wedding, be prepared to encounter a stage-five clinger. I loved France, but there are 5 things this country needs to work on.

1) Stop saying "Not Possible"
"Not Possible" is the French version of "Epic Fail". When I asked to pass through the Palais before it closed, it was "Not Possible", when I wanted a chicken sandwich at a restaurant it was "Not Possible", when I wanted to see a good movie it was "Not Possible". Whenever I needed something, "Not Possible" was there to deny me. The worse part is that after saying those two dreaded words, the French would twiddle their thin mustaches, laugh, and then take a 2-hour lunch break followed by an hour long cigarette break.

2) Work On The Sidewalks
Watch your step! I'm not clumsy, but in France my equilibrium was off. I didn't have a spectacular fall that stopped traffic, but it was enough to make me question my cat-like dexterity. I take great pride in my ability to stay upright. The curbs are low, and the drivers are crazy. Oh...and the French don't clean after their dogs.

3) Become nicer
Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. When 27 Americans congregate outside a residence and talk, we can be a bit on the loud side (loud enough for the French to mock us). However, if Americans are loud, the French are mean. The French do not look at anyone or say hello (or Bonjour) while walking the street. I found the best way to fit in was to scowl a lot, that way your American isn't showing. If you want to make sure you are fitting in, ask these three questions: 1) Do I smile at people on the street? 2) Do I seem approachable? 3) Do I make eye contact with others? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then your American is showing (start frowning now).

4) Become Greener
The lights in the hallways were on a timer and go off after a certain point. This is a creative approach in the name of being "green", but if no one cleans up after their dogs, it kind of defeats the purpose. In addition to being Michael Myers creepy, the hallway lights cutting off is dangerous (doesn't that violate a fire code or something). It also doesn't help if everyone in France smokes like chimney's (not using plastic grocery bags does not counteract this). No wonder the world was supposed to end in May, during the festival everyone smoked so much that I was convinced a hole was going to be burned into the atmosphere.

5) Gypsies
Last and certainly least, gypsies! Gypsies have replaced Bill O' Reilly and John Cena as my number one mortal enemy. They were like homeless people on steroids; they traumatized us with their begging, threatening, and sand throwing. One girl walked up and begged for my ice cream (we've already established in the last entry that in France I was a big fatty), so of course she didn't get any. That didn't stop her though; she persisted (like a tiny, female Terminator). I walked away and she followed me. They annoyed me a great deal (I needed to get that off my chest).

So, that was my list of the dark side of France (sorry to expose you to that). Everything is not all croissants and beignets. I promise to stay away from top five list for the next update.