5 Good Things About France

I would love to say the grass is always greener...but I would be lying: France rocked, and going there during the Cannes Film Festival was better than mayonnaises on fries. The best part was that I didn't have to hear questions like, "What's next graduate?" on a daily basis (one word: plastics). While there wasn't an older woman to seduce me, falling in love with France did not take long. At the risk of sounding unpatriotic, I will list 5 reasons why I loved France (I need to concentrate on something, since I've been back all I do is walk in a daze and cry in the shower).

1. The Food was awesome!
Subsistence goes above all else. I don't eat burgers, condiments, or "French" fries in America (or for the people in red states, Freedom Fries), but in France, I became a total pig. I didn't just eat burgers, and original French Fries; I ate croissants, ice cream, panini's (their like small sandwiches except big), rotisserie chicken, pizza, and other things that should have gave me instant diabetes. I was surprised by the amount of pizza places in France (take that Italy). The food track outside the Palais was my best friend. I went from having a nonchalant attitude towards food to deciding if I was going to wash down my plate of pasta with a chocolate croissant, or another pizza. You would think I'd gain 200 pounds but on the contrary I lost weight, which takes me into point number 2...

2. The Movie diet!
Once I got to France, I wondered why everyone was so skinny (I was home sick; I missed the obesity), but I soon discovered the secret: THEY WALK EVERYWHERE! I walked so much Moses would've said that's a lot of walking. Combine this with getting up early, skipping breakfast, catching a train, dodging security on the train (I didn't buy a ticket, don't tell anyone), getting in line for a movie while the sun is over my head, and walking out of it five minutes after it starts; that's a lot of movement. I also inhaled A LOT of second hand smoke (since beginning this post I've started my sixth pack). The walking, binge eating, and smoking contributed to my weight lose; hence the name. The best part about this diet is that you can do it too! Follow these three simple steps: 1) Walk to your closest movie theatre (I don't care if it's 36 degrees Celsius outside, and 50 kilometers away, Just Do It!). 2) Stand in line, and sweat while eating a panini. 3) Go into the movie, sit for 5 minutes, then leave (your market badge should get you in for free. If not, give them a phony production company card). All of this is contingent on skipping breakfast, and smoking a cigarette before, during, and after every meal.

3) The Beauty!
The beauty in France increased 100 fold during the festival. Of course there were celebrities (my new crush/obsession is Emily Browning). I'm talking about the "other people", and by other people I mean the models who turned Cannes streets into runaways during the night time premieres. The scenery was beautiful as well; I only spit my gum out in trash cans out of fear I would ruin something (trash cans were far and in between so flavorless gum was a common occurrence). The beach was breathtaking (not because old ladies went topless, that's the bad breathtaking); the water was so clear, and blue. Everything had grace, and elegance to it; even the birds.

4) Cheap liquor!
I don't drink, but I can appreciate cheap booze as much as the next man. Alcohol can be bought just about anywhere; the grocery stores sold wine for 3 Euro (or about 6 American dollars). Beer was about 6; and they didn't check IDs. There's nothing like going to the beach with friends, watching them get drunk, getting harassed my demon children (their proper names are gypsies), and witnessing one of your classmates yell in French that she will call 112 (their bizarro world version of 911). Good times, good times...

5) No News!
It's not that there wasn't news in France, it's just that where I stayed the internet was spotty, and the T.V only picked up one English channel (ironically, it was CNN). I could only check my e-mail in the American Pavilion, but even that was a challenge. It felt great to not hear what was going on in America every second of the day; I even lost track of the NBA playoffs (old habits die hard).

These are the 5 reasons I am ready to renounce my citizenship; it's that serious. I guess being back in America isn't that bad, there are nice things here. Now if you will excuse me, I need to finish my crepe, and afternoon cigarette.