Hello World

Sorry, I had to include this picture of Tiger because he looks blacktastic. Any who, if you all have been following my blog since my first post (and I know you have because this blog has more followers than Scientology; I am converting Tom Cruise as I type), then you are well versed in my ten commandments. Quickly: what is commandment number 5? If you guessed "honor thou mother and father", then maybe this blog is not for you (I have committed so many blasphemies on this blog that I am surprised my readers have not spontaneously combusted). The correct answer is "I will not make fun of Tiger Woods (because the poor kid has been through a lot)." Because I am a man of my word (like this guy), I will not bury Tiger because, honestly, he is boring. So what, he cheated. I do not agree with it, but it happened in December. It is time to put that horse out to pasture. I am more interested in the idea of why people are so disappointed in Tiger.

When Tiger first turned pro, he was all smiles, and with a great deal of shyness, he said, "hello world." Many people thought this was refreshing...until this commercial came out before people could get use to the fact his name is Tiger. From that point on he won majors, made lots of money and did great philander...sorry, philanthropist work. He had such a squeaky clean image, but honestly, who is Tiger Woods? I know there are a lot of celebrities we can say that about, but some of them allow their personalities to come through. For example, I may never know Allen Iverson on a personal level, but he was always an individual on the basketball court. Sure, he does not project the All-American image like Tiger, but he is still the embodiment of the American dream. From his braids to his crossover to his reckless abandonment on the hardwood, Iverson lives by his own standards and refuses to allow anyone to define him. He is one of the most popular NBA players of all time and influenced many others. Through the good and the bad, Iverson is someone fans could wrap their arms around. He had no problem flying off the handle at times (exhibit A). Tiger seemed controlled and cold. He was in firm control of his public persona. Tiger was a company man, first and foremost.

This is why people were so fascinated by Tiger's infidelity. He was the golden boy; he was the one who could never make a mistake. Many felt that with the image he projected there was no way he could get caught with his pants down, but it happened and now he is apologizing. Even this took three months to do. Tiger still showed that he had issues with control by only inviting associates and friends to his press conference. Some people may say that they only care about when Tiger is coming back to golf, but this is not an issue he can play himself out of.

So, the million dollar question is: Donte', what are you trying to say? Well Tiger, if you are reading this (you better be because I have been officially hired as your image counsultant), this is not the end: this is your rebirth. Your father helped break the color barrier in the Big Eight conference for baseball. A couple of years ago you had a chance to take a stand and talk about the seriousness of lynching when a certain golf announcer put her foot in her mouth. I know you do not like being called African American, but come on. It is part of your ethnicity. Any person with African descent knows what lynching means, yet instead you brushed off a perfect opportunity to show another side to yourself. Now you do not have a choice: whenever you come back from your self-imposed exile, something has to change. I am not saying you have to go to the same lengths that Jim Brown and Muhummad Ali did, but there has to be substance beyond the brand that is Tiger Woods. This Tiger must be more personable, more lovable, more loose and less robotic. You have more money than God so that should not be a problem. It is true that the evil a man does lives after him while the good is interned into their bones. The greatest gift anyone can give is himself. After we are dead and gone, we want people to remember us for more than our accomplishments; there needs to be something more, something tangible that people will feel. Tiger Woods should want to be remembered as a great human being, not just a great golfer. If Tiger remembers this, then he will truly be wealthy, not just rich.

Best Week Ever: NBA vs. Drew Brees

Sorry about last week folks, I had some technical difficulties (by "technical difficulties," I mean that my ghostwriter dropped the ball, and I was forced to fire her), but no worries, I am back and better than ever. In my continuing quest to stay hip and fresh, I will take a page out of VH1's playbook and decide who had the best week ever: the NBA or Drew Brees.

On Sunday the NBA hosted its 59th All-Star Game at Jerry's World (or, if you prefer, Cowboy Stadium) in Arlington, TX. The game was extremely competitive, with the East pulling out a 141-139 victory over the West. While in past years the game took a backseat to the festivities that take place during the weekend, the game was...how can I put this...actually good! There was not a lot of the sloppy play that has plagued this game in the past, and there were many highlights. The NBA gets extra points for actually showing women during their halftime show. Shakira straddled a cage..um, I mean performed first. The NBA is truly the place where "amazing happens" because they allowed Shakira to perform, and if a walrobe malfunction were to occur, it would be during a Shakira performance (what is the over/under on that?). Shakira performing would have been enough, but then the NBA pulled out their trump card: Alicia Keys. Her beauty and elegance is only matched by her musical talent. Oh, and Usher performed, too. A great game, good performances and no shootouts...all in all, a pretty good weekend for the NBA, but they will be deducted points because of a surprisingly uneventful All Star Saturday night that saw Nate Robinson(aka Gary Coleman-lite) win his third Slam-Dunk contest.

So that means that the winner of (granted during the introductions). This Is True's first (and last) best week ever competition is (drum roll....envelope....can't open it....what!...it's in braille?...I need a blind person....okay, got a blind person...okay, the winner please) Drew Brees! Did anyone really think that the Superbowl was the end of the football season? Well, the season is just heating up. Drew Brees has been everywhere, no seriously. He was on Ellen, Oprah (sorry, this was the best clip I could get. Oprah refused to meet with my people), Letterman and of course that horrible Disney commercial (which is a time honored tradition for every Superbowl MVP...well, except this guy). Next Drew Brees will be given the Noble Peace Prize, but there will be no uproar unlike the time this guy won it. Then Brees will be knighted, christened as a saint and get his own book in the Bible. Yup, that is one hell of a week. So Drew Brees, if you are reading (I could always use your support), you are truly Dontelicious!

Untitled (Because I Could Not Think of Anything Better)

I was going to call this post "When the Ain'ts Come Marching In," but because it was not original, clever, or funny--and it would showcase my Atlanta Falcons bias--I decided to leave this post untitled (though technically it is a title). Any who, how about that game? I guess that is why they call it the Superbowl. Actually, there was nothing really super about it. The commercials were about as entertaining as an episode of According to Jim, and the game itself was not like last year's slugfest. At the end of the day the audience had two choices: either the sports broadcasters would dump Brett Farve and slurp Peyton Manning more (and better) than any quarterback ever before or we would hear about how the Saints victory made the blind see, pigs fly and Lindsay Lohan relevant again (the first two happened but there has been no sign of the corpse formerly known as Lindsay Lohan). While what the Saints have done is amazing, I will leave it at that. Lord knows that for the next week we will bombarded by images of Drew Brees and his son, Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian (I would not object to seeing Kim however) and countless unfunny Mardi Gras jokes.

I reluctantly "cheered" for the Saints on Sunday. To tell the truth, I was pretty indifferent. I was hoping that the commercials would at least be entertaining, but they were a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington (and highly disturbing). Then at halftime we were subjected to the NFL's continued crusade to ban boobs from football by having The Who perform. Their performance must have been a tribute to their longevity. If that performance lasted for more than four hours I would have called a doctor. For what was supposed to be the premier sports event of the year, it was sorely lacking. I wanted more: where was the spectacle, the magic, the streaking?! For something that was supposed to be the Superbowl, it was anything but super. While episode number 343 of the Simpsons taught us that choreographing the Superbowl halftime show is not easy, it should at least be entertaining. Even if it were a spectacular failure, it still be worth seeing. That is why I can respect a man like GOB Bluth. Sure he is a butthole, nobody respects him, and his family does not like him (wait, what was my point?...oh yeah), but at least when he fails at his magic tricks, he does it with flair.

So, Roger Goodell (NFL commissioner), if you are reading (and I know you are), remember: people watch the NFL because big muscular men in tights and shoulderpads fly into each other at high speeds. There is a reason why many NFL players have to be taken care of for the rest of their lives after they retire: their bodies are a down payment for the glory they hope to own. With that said, football can still be entertaining! Let Chad Ochentacinco have James Cameron choreograph (choreograph is the word of the day!) his next touchdown celebration (in 3-D!), let boobies back into the halftime show. Heck, allow Adam "Pacman" Jones to make it rain before the start of every fourth quarter. Put the "Super" back in the Superbowl! Look at New Orleans: their team has just won the Superbowl and Mardi Gras is coming up. By the time February ends there will not be a New Orleans (Katrina has got nothing on that, wait...too soon?). Do you think that a little thing called destruction will stand in their way? They will build the city back up and continue to party! The No Fun League can learn from New Orleans' determination to get wasted by any means necessary!

The Washington Bullet

As predicted last week, an athlete did make a complete ass out of himself. As the title indicates, I will comment on the Gilbert Arenas situation but not in the normal tone that I have established in my first three posts because this case is no laughing matter. At the end of December, Gilbert Arenas admitted that he stored guns from his house in his locker room at the Verizon Center in Washington, D.C. A strange situation only got stranger when it was revealed that Arenas and teammate Javaris Crittenton had a Mexican standoff (in layman's terms, they pulled guns out on each other) over a gambling debt (because nothing says pay up like a loaded gun).

Now apparently Gilbert did not believe David Stern (NBA commissioner) heard what happened. To make sure that he did, during pregame introductions in the next game Arenas took his fingers, pointed them like guns and "shot" his teammates. As anyone could imagine, David Stern was pissed. He immediately suspended Arenas indefinitely after the incident, and on January 27th Stern suspended Arenas and Crittenton for the rest of the season.

It is no secret that David Stern is very image conscious of his league (which is a deeper and highly convoluted issue in itself). After the brawl for all in Detroit, Stern instituted a league-wide dress code that ruffled more than a few feathers. While I did disagree with it at the time, I realized that most jobs have a dress code and the NBA is a place of employment. David Stern for all intents and purposes is the boss, and with millions of dollars on the line, who would mind dressing up in a suit instead of a throwback jersey (Those are so 5 years ago)? While the image of two young black millionaires with guns drawn at each other screams image nightmare, I will say that it was Arenas' arrogance that offended Stern more than anything else. That defiant (or stupid) gesture with his teammates may have cost Arenas the last four years on his five-year, 111 million dollar contract (who knew that finger pointing could be so expensive).

Gilbert Arenas is one of the most explosive scorers in the NBA, with a career points per game average of 22.7. At 6'3", he is big for a point guard. He has almost unlimited range on his jumpshot and great strength and speed to get to the basket at will. Arenas' appeal, however, is his unorthodox behavior. When he was a free agent in the summer of 2003, in order to choose between re-signing with the Golden State Warriors or signing with the Clippers or the Wizards (his eventual destination) he...wait for it... flipped a coin! His free-spirit and talent made him a fan favorite, but this same devil-may-care attitude is what got him suspended.

It was great that Arenas left his decision to sign with the Wizards up to "fate," but he probably should have done his research. If he had, then it would have become apparent to him that a) Washington, D.C. has some of the most strict gun policies in America, and b) WASHINGTON, D.C. HAS SOME OF THE MOST STRICT GUN POLICIES IN AMERICA! (just thought that point needed to be repeated.) In the late 80s/early 90s, Washington, D.C. was considered the murder capital of America. The Wizards late owner Abe Pollin became so conscious of this that he changed the name of the team from the Washington Bullets to the Wizards. It is a known fact that lots of athletes own guns but to actually bring guns to the workplace? (I drive a bus, and Lord knows what would happen if I brought a gun to work and somebody found it). Gun owners (especially athletes, who have a tendency to move a lot) have to take these things into consideration because if they do not then they could end up like this guy. I could spend days analyzing the gun culture in the African American community (which is at the heart of this very issue), but the point is that Arenas has to know that you cannot put out a fire with gasoline. He only made this situation worse, and he is lucky that a suspension for the rest of the season is all he got from the NBA. I am glad David Stern suspended Arenas. What he did was incredibly stupid. Charles Barkley was wrong: NBA players are role models. It is ideal for children to look up to teachers, police officers and firefighters, but it is not realistic. We live in a materialistic culture, and the fact of the matter is that the people with the most money and exposure are the role models. So Gilbert, if you are reading (I could always use your support), you can turn this around by being a role model because you have been through so much already. With your life experiences, you can be the inspiration that a young man needs. If there is a child who is homeless, who is not getting playing time on their team or being called a zero, would it not be nice for that child to say, "If Gilbert overcame this, so can I." We all make stupid mistakes, but they are our mistakes. We have the ability to turn lapses in judgment into moments of self reflection and understanding.