Lover's Scorn

OK, let's get this out of the way; I am adding a new commandment to my blog: Thou shalt never mention Brett Farve again. If I have to acknowledge from henceforth he will be referred to as "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". Anyone who mentions "You-Know-Who" by name will be subject to arrest and punishment.

Now that we have taken care of one egotistical, narcissistic, attention starved, and slightly neurotic athlete, let's talk about another (jk, I love LeBron, lol). Because this was a relatively low-key story, I feel it is my responsibility as a journalist to look at it from every angle, dig up every detail and be more unbiased than Bill O' Reilly is with Barack Obama (seriously, this is a big story, how could no one have covered or discussed this). Anywho, LeBron jolted his dried up ex-team, the Cleveland Cavaliers, for his new, sexy team, the Miami Heat. LeBron saw a greater opportunity and took it; no one should blame him for it. LeBron joins Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade to form the most powerful trio since the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost (I hereby christen these guys the Justice League! Great moniker, right!?).

But, as in all relationships, there is the break-uper and the break-upee. The Cleveland Cavaliers were the break-upee (as evidenced by this letter from Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, you can practically smell the tears and the vodka). In a recent interview with GQ, LeBron finally responded to said letter, "I don't think he ever cared about LeBron." I give LeBron extra points for referring to himself in the third person (He's like Lord Voldermort; he refers to himself in the third person, and he is better than the rest of us). However, LeBron is wrong; Dan Gilbert loved LeBron. He needed LeBron; it's like getting hit with divorce papers after 40 years of marriage. Dan became a shut in, he did not like going out, and he took his partner for granted; meanwhile LeBron stayed in shape, stayed in-tune with pop culture (thanks to my blog) and finally got tired of his loyality being assumed. To save a doomed marriage, Dan allowed him to stay out all hours of the night, come home when he felt like it, and even made sure his dinner was ready when he finally came home from with lipstick on his collar and a missing tie (ok, I am taking this a little too far).

Dan believes if he can't have LeBron, no one can! He cried, yelled, cursed; heck, the only thing he did not do is set himself on fire like the Roman wives when their husbands died (he did beg, this guy is an accurate re-enactment of Dan Gilbert). I am sorry to break it to Dan but...LeBron has found someone else; someone younger, better looking, and dude, let's face it, it's South Beach (you can frown if they want but tell me if you want to live in a city nicknamed, "The Mistake By the Lake")! So Dan, if you are reading this (I know you are) listen: You have to let LeBron go; I know it's hard. Who knows, maybe you will luck up and find someone who likes you for you (not likely but hey, hope springs eternal). Maybe after you put down the Jack Daniels and Orange Juice, you will realize this break-up was for the best. You will get back in shape, start dating again and maybe even come face-to-face with LeBron and talk about the good times. But, until then, stay strong!