I'll be up front, this movie gets a 5/10. It's the worse movie of the Transformers franchise. I could do a review about how bad this movie is but what good will that do me or you? This movie has grossed 600 million dollars worldwide (that sound you hear is Michael Bay laughing all the way to the bank and how evil is that laugh)!!! In the showing I went to, the audience clapped on three separate occasions. If most moviegoers listened to critics, there would not be three Transformers movies and every human on the planet would be required to see Tree of Life. I've come to the conclusion that the Transformers movies are like cake; cake has tons of sugar, and no nutritional value whatsoever but it's soooo good. No one needs cake but everyone wants it, everyone loves cake! Since I'm a glass half-full kind of guy (some would say an enabler), I will give you 5 things I loved about Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
1. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
Every movie site I go to says Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is just eye candy but they are wrong. Just because she's a Victoria Secret model who was voted No. 1 on Maxim's Magazine Hot 100 list and FHM World's Sexist Woman poll doesn't mean she's not a capable actress. We can't judge her on the basis of her looks (that's hotism, it's like racism except not as bad). There's more to Rosie than pouty lips, long legs and a cute British accent; she has personality! Michael Bay likes her better than She Who Must Not Be Named; he treats her like a lady (he allows her to stand around in clingy white outfits while he eye-molest her with the camera) Rosie doesn't have to bend over a steaming car, straddle a bike or get dry humped by an robot. She even gets to talk smack to Megatron, and convince him to help Optimus Prime. It's like she's a robot whisperer. Next time my Rock'em-Sock'em robots have an dispute, I'm calling Ms. Rosie.
2. America Is Always Right
Nothing says American imperialism like sending talking, 50-foot robots to do your bidding. The Autobots go on "stealth" missions around the globe, which is awesome because I can see Optimus Prime blending in with an African village or a Middle-Eastern desert to find terrorist. Optimus Prime is the ma....er...robot. At one point in the film, after the Decepticons have taken over Chicago; Optimus gives an awe-inspiring speech (I know this because I woke up and people were clapping). He tells the Autobots, "We will take the battle to them!" The only thing missing from the speech is an American flag lowering into the frame and Uncle Sam pointing at the audience (though after leaving the theatre I saw two guys in Army uniforms sitting behind a desk). Optimus kicks tailpipe and takes license plates; he gives walk quietly and carry a big stick a new meaning.
3. Mr. LaBeouf
You have to hand it to Mr. LaBeouf, he's one of the richest actors in Hollywood and he has a Steven Spielberg co-sign. All he's had to do is run a lot, fight monkeys, hang out with robots and hook-up with hot chicks (on-screen and off-screen). He's a national treasure, the most talented actor of his generation, and he's a complete BA. I dare not draw the ire of anyone who's bad enough to fight people in bars, survive being called an "f**king idiot" by Han Solo and diss his own movies in public without giving back the money he made off the crappy movie he just threw under the bus. He deserves to be the next great American Icon (why else would I call him Mr. LaBeouf even though we're around the same age). Watch out Samuel L. Jackson, Mr. LaBeouf is the new king of cool (hahaha...sorry, I couldn't type that with a straight face).
4. Great Talent
We've already established that Mr. LaBeouf is an all-world actor who can do no wrong but even Michael Jordan needed Scottie Pippen, Phil Jackson and the occasional white guy to win championships. The supporting cast in this movie is filled with excellent actors. Frances McDormand and John Malkovich have been nominated for Academy's Awards. Frances McDormand is noted for her ability to play strong female characters (which she is in this movie) and John Malkovich is known to portray crazy characters (and he brings the straitjacket to this role). This movie has America's favorite Asian Ken Jeong, he was funny as always (and considering the competition he faced from this film's plot, that's no small feat). This movie also has America's favorite fake doctor McDreamy (government name: Patrick Dempsey). Don't laugh at the mention of Dempsey's name in the same paragraph as McDormand and Malkovich (come on guys, stop), he did a good job. In Bayiverse, where one-dimensional stereotypes reign, these guys dared to make their characters two-dimensional.
5. Robot Violence
You gotta love that PG-13 rating; it lets you get away with anything. In Transformers, robots can get ripped apart limb from limb, and decapitated without causing any fuss. When the Decepticons kill humans with their weapons, there's no blood (I guess the MPAA don't like blood with their genocide). The best part about the violence is that when the robots are killed, they leak (or bleed) out oil. Of course the Decepticons get the fatalities; they are pure evil!!!! Look at their name; it has deception and con in it! No one will be scarred from watching robots kill other robots. There are 3 types of violence that will always be funny: Muppet on muppet, mascot on mascot, and robot on robot.
Case closed, now go out and watch Transformers! Transformers are not that different from us; I mean, they don't have hearts in all but they fight, bicker, disagree and lust after women. Plus, Hollywood has been working hard all summer to make sequels to movies you don't want to see. It takes a lot of energy to manipulate you into spending $30 of your hard earned money on fake 3D and crappy concessions. See their retread franchises, experience the loss of hearing and sight that's bound to occur. Come for Rosie, stay for Optimus. What else are you going to see, The Green Latern?
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